The following dialogues present a variety of suitable matter for ventriloquial use and for all occasions. Of course it is always best to have fresh material, but very few ventriloquists are able to originate what is required for the pur­pose, and the student especially is usually at a loss to know what to use and where to obtain it. Ventriloquial dialogue, like the "patter" of a magician, seems to be common property, and I make no claim for originality except in the matter of arrangement and combination, where I have brought together parts of different dia­logues to make a complete entertainment, as in the last dialogue in the book which, when given in full, will run from twenty-five to thirty min­utes. By reading the humorous columns of the daily and weekly journals and making use of odd or witty turns of phrase or thought, the student may write dialogues for himself after he has had some experience as an entertainer. In the meantime, let him choose what matter appeals to him and best suits his ability fromthat given here, learn it by heart, and as expe­rience teaches him what is needed, introduce any modifications or alterations which occur to him as being practical.

Dialogue No. I
(Between the Knee Dolls, Tommy and Joe)

Vent. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to in­troduce to you my two boys, Tommy and Joe.
Tommy. Hillo! (Turns his face up to speaker.) Did you say I was a boy?
Vent. Yes, Tommy.
Joe. No, you didn't.
Tommy. Hillo! Joe's awake.
Vent. Why, I am certain I did.
Tommy. Yes, you did, I should like to know what you mean. I am a full grown doll.
Vent. Of course you are, Tommy; I didn't mean to offend you when I said you were a boy.
Joe. No, you didn't, you said we were two boys.
Vent. So I did; but it means the same, you know.
Joe. No, it doesn't.
Tommy. There he goes, always growling and contradicting.
Joe. No, Idon't
Vent. Well, Tommy, you say you are full grown; how old are you?
Tommy. He! he! I'm not old at all, I'm old-fashioned.
Vent. Yes, very old-fashioned and sly, too. I have heard of your goings on.
Joe. No, you've not.
Vent. Didn't you and Joe have a high old time the other night?
Tommy. Yes, such a high old time we had.
Vent. Such a high old time who had?
Tommy. Me and him. (Turning his head toward Joe.)
Joe. No, it was not you and me, it was me and you.
Vent. Well, never mind that. Tell me about the time you had. I hope it was nothing wrong.
Tommy. Oh, no, it was not wrong; it was right tu looral looral ladady, right tu looral ley!
Joe. No, we was not right, we was left.
Tommy. Oh, ho! Joe's trying to make a joke.
Vent. Well, I wish you would explain.
Tommy. Well, Joe's right; we were left at the house. Don't you know the other day you made us up into a parcel and you called at Mr.-----'s house? (Mention the name of some well-known gentleman who happens to be present.)
Vent. Yes, I remember. I put you down in a chair behind me and got so interested and charmed   with   Mr.-----'s   conversation that  I forgot all about you, and I left you both there tied up, poor fellows!
Tommy. Oh, you needn't say "poor fellows 1" We were all right.
Joe. No we wasn't, we were both left.
Vent. Never mind about that now, tell me what happened.
Tommy. Well, you know, we lay there tied up in that parcel and I wondered when you were going to take us.
Joe. So did I.
Vent., (sympathetically). Did you, Joe?
Joe. No, 1 didn't.
Tommy. There goes Joe contradicting again.
Joe. No, I wasn't.
Tommy. Shut up, Joe, or I will ----- 
Vent. Now, don't quarrel. Joe, please be quiet while Tommy tells me all about this. When I left you in Mr.-----'s house -----
Tommy. Well, you know.
Joe. No, he doesn't know till you tell him.
Vent. Be quiet, Joe, you are always inter­rupting.
Joe. No, I'm not.
Vent. Now, Tommy, never mind Joe, but just go on with the story.
Tommy. Well, you know -----.
Joe. No he ----- (Here a good effect may he obtained by taking hold of Joe's nose or ear an d ap­pearing to pull it vigorously, and at the same time imitating the voice of Joe in pain, after which say: "There, now, I think you will he quiet" If Joe is made to whine or moan occasionally through the following part of the dialogue, as (I he were having a long suppressed childish cry, the comical effect is enhanced.)
Vent. Now, Tommy, go on with your story.
Tommy. Well, at last I says to myself, why, the guv'nor's left us here and forgot all about us, so I untied the rope and got out.
Vent. What did you do then?
Tommy. We went about the room, me and Joe, and I looks round, and Joe looks round, and we both sees two china figures on the mantel­piece. One was a shepherdess and the other was a duchess.
Vent. Why how did you know the difference —at least how could you tell a duchess?
Tommy. Oh! The aristocracy is more lovely outside, you know.
Vent. You mean they are better dressed.
Tommy. Yes. Well, Joe and me looks at 'em and I says "Lovely" and Joe says  "Stunning -----"
Joe. You're a liar, I said "Lovely" and you said "Stunning."
Tommy. Well, we both fell in love.
Vent. Did you? Which did you fall in love with, Tommy, the shepherdess or the duchess?
Tommy. Ask Joe.
Vent. Well,Joe, which did you fall in lovewith?
Joe. Ask Tommy.
Tommy. Well, we both fell in love with both.
Joe. And so did I.
Tommy. Well, I climbed up to the shepherd­ess and was just goin' to give her a kiss when I sees a young man looking daggers at me.
Vent. Oh, I see—another china figure on the mantelpiece.
Tommy. Yes. He was there all his life and offering his heart and his crook to the shepherdess.
Joe. And there was a marquis doing the same thing to the duchess.
Vent. But the marquis hadn't a crook, Joe.
Joe. Yes he had.
Tommy. (excitedly). He had a crook in his back.
Vent. Tell me, what did you do?
Tommy. Well, we chucked 'em both off the mantelpiece on to the carpet.    He! he!
Joe. We smashed 'em.
Vent. Well, go on.
Tommy. So we did go on.
Vent. Well now, Tommy, I think the ladies and gentlemen have heard enough of your pranks, so now bid them good-night in a nice little speech.
Tommy. Let Joe begin.
Vent. Joe, will you?
Joe. Will I what?
Vent. Bid the ladies and gentlemen good-night and say you are glad to see them, and so on.
Joe. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you all good-night, and I'm glad to see you're goin'.
Vent. No, no, Joe, I didn't tell you to say that.
Joe. Yes, you did.
Vent. Now, Tommy, it is your turn, let us hear how you do it.
Tommy. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you are all pleased and if any of you isn't why you can ask for your money back and you—won't get it.   So I wish you all good-night.
Dialogue No. II
(For Old Man and Old Woman Figures)

Vent. Ladies and gentlemen -----
Old Man. And youngsters.
Vent. Silence, sir. I have come here this evening for the purpose of -----
Old Man. Making yourself ridiculous.
Vent. Will you be silent, sir!
Old Man. Here, here! You said that once before.
Vent. (looking at figure and stamping his foot). I hope and trust -----
Old Man. Don't trust, get cash down.
Old Woman. Don't mind him.
Vent. Look here, sir, I will stand no more of this nonsense.
Old Man. Hear, hear I.
Vent. Ladies and gentlemen, I have been -----.
Old Man. And you can go again.
Old Woman. Oh, do make him be quiet.
Vent. That I certainly will. My respected audience, I was just saying-----
Old Man. (singing). "There's life in the old boy yet."
Old Woman. Oh, hain't he awful. He seems excited to-night.
Old Man. (turning to Old Woman). Don't get to nagging, you old scarecrow!
Vent. That is no way to speak to a lady, sir I.
Old Man. She ain't a lady.
Old Woman. What am I then ?
Old Man. My old gal, bless her heart.
Old Woman. (singing). "I cannot sing the old songs -----"
Old Man. No, nor the new ones either, so chuck it, old gal, chuck it!
Vent. (to audience). You will, I feel sure, ex­cuse this dummy -----
Old Man. So are you and worse.
Vent. I was just remarking that in the case of these two automatons the illusions are produced by one man and -----
Old Man. A donkey.
Old Woman. Do, sir, make him behave him­self.
Vent. That I certainly will.
Old Man. (sneezes) . Gentlemen of the jury -----
Vent. You have a cold, it seems.
Old Man. Yes, the Old Woman's tongue made an awful breeze last night, and I sat in the draft.
Vent. (laughing). Well, I see it hasn't dulled your wit any. Come now, if you will sing a song I will let you off.
Old Man. All right, I will sing you "If I was as Young as I Used to Be."    (Sings.)

Dialogue No. III
(Irish Figure on chair; Negro Figure in box back of chair. Performer picks up Irish Figure and sits down in the chair.)

Vent. Well, my little boy, can you talk?
Jerry. Av coorse I kin talk.
Vent. Since you can talk, will you please tell me your name.
Jerry. Sure Oi will.
Vent. Well, what is it?
Jerry. Do you mane the name me father guv me or that me mither guv me or that be which I was christened?
Vent., (in perplexity). Why, I'm sure I do not know. What did your father call you?
Jerry. Sure, he called me Jerry.
Vent. And what did your mother call you?
Jerry. She called me a sad skaliwag.
Vent. Well, I guess you are all of that; but what did the priest call you at the christening?
Jerry. Sure he called me after some saint whose name I forgot afore I heard it.
Vent. I shall have to call you Jerry, then. Do you go to school?
Jerry. I do that.
Vent. And can you spell?
Jerry. Av ooorse I kin spell.
Vent. All right I will try you, but first I am going to introduce a little friend I brought along with me, and I want you to sit in this chair while I get him.
Jerry. All right, perfessor. (Ventriloquist places Jerry on chair and goes to box, returns with Tommy in his arms, forgets Jerry and sits down upon him, whereupon Jerry cries out) Get off av me leg!
Vent. Oh, excuse me, Jerry. I had forgotten that you were there.
Jerry. (as performer picks him up with the right hand' and sits down, Tommy being held by the left hand). Well, I didn't.
Vent., (to Tommy). Your name is Tommy, isn't it?
Tommy. Dat's just my name, boss (ghoss).
Jerry. (as he turns his head toward Tommy). Say, did he come out of a blacking box (ghox) f
Vent. Keep quiet, will you? Now then, Tommy, how are you feeling this evening?
Tommy. Oh, I'se all right, boss.
Vent. And you, Jerry V.
Jerry. I ain't feeling very well, perfessor.
Vent. Why, what's the matter?
Jerry. Well, you see I stayed out in the rain last night and got wet.
Tommy. (suddenly). Guess dat's what makes his hair so red, he forgot to dry it and it got rusty.
Jerry. Nigger, nigger, nigger!
Tommy. Irish, Irish, Irish.
Vent. Now, boys, don't quarrel. Jerry, spell the word "milk."
Jerry. You must show me how.
Vent. I will soon do that. M-i-l-k, milk.
Jerry. (pronouncing  but not spelling). Milk.
Vent. No, no! I want you to spell it.
Jerry. Oh, all right. M-i-l-k.
Vent. I will try you on another. Spell "Constantinople."
Jerry. Oh, Jerusha, what a hard un!
Vent. Well, Jerry, I will help you. Now right after me, C-o-n, con,
Jerry. C-o-n, con,
Vent. S-t-a-n, stan, Constan,
Jerry. S-t-a-n, stan, Constan,
Vent. T-i, ti, Constanti,
Jerry. T-i, ti, Constanti,
Vent. N-o, no, Constantino,
Jerry. N-o, no, Constantino,
Vent.  P-l-e, pie, Constantinople.
Jerry. Constable.
Vent. That was wrong. Constantinople, not constable.
Jerry. Well, that ain't the way we spell it in school.
Vent. How do you spell it there?
Jerry. We spell it this way: Con, with a stan, with a "t," with a "ti," with a tipple, with a top­ple, with a Constantinople.1
Vent. Good, Mr. Jerry!
Tommy. Say, boss, how much brains has a hog in his head?
Vent. Why, I don't know. How much brains has a hog in his head, Tommy?
Tommy. A hogshead full, of course.
Vent. Well, Tommy, how would you like to be rich?
Tommy. I'd like that fust rate.
Vent. But you know they say riches some­times take wings and fly away.
Tommy. Them must be ostriches.
Vent. Now, Jerry, can you sing?
Jerry. Yes, only I'm a little horse this evening.
Vent. No, no! You mean you are a little hoarse.
Jerry. Sure, that's wot I said.
Vent. I misunderstood you then. I thought you said horse.
Jerry. Well, that's a horse on you.
Vent. Let it go at that. Do the best you can.
Jerry. Oi will that. (Sings.)
Vent. Very good, Jerry. That is enough for to-night. I will place you in the box now. (Goes to back of stage or room and places figures in box. A. hushed voice—Punch 'Voice with dis­tant quality—is heard complaining that there is not room enough. Ventriloquist raises cover of box and says.) Why, Jerry, you have got half the box.
Jerry. Well, I want the other half.
(Ventriloquist closes box. Jerry’}s voice is heard in subdued tone, but it becomes more and more indistinct until it finally ceases. Ventriloquist bows and leaves the stage.)

Dialogue No. IV
(For “Near” Mimetic Voice Behind a Screen)

Vent. (on side of screen nearest audience). Who is there?
1 For another way of spelling Constantinople see last dialogue.
Old Man's Voice. Ahem!
Vent., (louder). Who is there, I say?
Old Man. Eh, a little louder, I am nearly deaf.
Vent. What is your name?
Old Man. Eh?
Vent. I say, what is your name?
Old Man. Near half-past eight?
Vent. I asked your name.
Old Man. Toby Tickletwister.
Vent. Toby what?
Old Man. No, not Toby what? Toby Tickle-twister.
Vent. What is your age?
Old Man. Five feet, six inches.
Vent., (louder). I said, what is your age?
Old Man. Age, oh! Eleventy seven.
Vent. Sir, none of your nonsense. What is your age?
Old Man. I told you, seventy-seven.
Vent. Where were you born?
Old Man. I was born in Ballysloughguttery.
Vent. I can't pronounce that. Where is it?
Old Man. In Ould Oirland, av coorse.
Vent. What is your business?
Old Man. Come behind here and I'll tell you.
Vent., (goes behind). Oh, I see.
Old Man. (as Vent reappears). Yes, you see I'm a tinker.
Vent. What have you come here for?
Old Man. To hear the antiquated locust.
Vent. The what?
Old Man. The antiquated locust.
Vent. I think you mean the ventriloquist; I'm the ventriloquist.
Old Man. Ha, ha, ha! A nice exhibition you're making of yourself.

Dialogue No. V
(Between the Ventriloquist and "Jack" in the Chimney)
(The words "increase" and "diminish" indi­cate where a change in the volume of sound should be made.)

Vent., (in a loud voice look-in g toward the chim­ney). Hello! Jack!
Jack. Hello-o o! (Suppressed and prolonged?)
Vent. Where are you?
Jack. I'm up the chimney. (Pronounced, Ing uk the chingney.)
Vent. Well, come down, I want to have a chat with you.
Jack. All right, I'm coming (kuning). (In­crease.)
Vent. Well, hurry, please.
Jack. Yes, I'll be (ve) there in a minute (ghinit). (Increase.)
Vent. Oh! do hurry (impatiently); one would think you were a policeman.
Jack. So I am. (Increase.)
Vent. Are you here, now?
Jack. Yes, here I am. (Loud.)
Vent. Oh! you startled me. What's your name?
Jack. John Sullivan.
Vent. Well, please move a little farther away.
Jack. Ha! ha! how will that do? (Diminish.)
Vent. A little farther, please.
Jack. Will that do?   {Diminish.)
Vent. That will do.
Jack. Say   -----
Vent. Well, sir!
Jack. What do you do for a living?
Vent. I'm a bank cashier.
Jack. When do you leave the city?
Vent. What do you mean?
Jack. Why, I heard you were going to South America.
Vent. Oh, I see what you are at; but you must remember that there are a few honest bank cashiers left in this country.
Jack. You're a liar.
Vent. What's that?
Jack. I said you're a lawyer.
Vent. That's* better. Now, then, what is your business?
Jack. I attend school.
Vent. You told me you were a policeman. What do you mean f
Jack. I was only fooling.
Vent. I don't want any fooling. Do youspell, read and write ?
Jack. Oh, yes.
Vent. Can you spell hen?
Jack. What kind of a hen?
Vent. It makes no difference. Spell hen.
Jack. Is it a black (dlack) hen or a white hen?
Vent. I say it does not matter what kind of a hen it is.
Jack. Is it an old rooster or a spring (sfring) chicken?
Vent. Oh, come now, no more prevaricating.
Jack. What did you say?   (Say this slowly?)
Vent. Will you spell hen?
Jack. Hen. Say?
Vent. Well, sir?
Jack. Can you tell me the difference between a ventriloquist and a jackass?
Vent. Why, no, what is the difference?
Jack. There ain't any.
Vent. What do you mean, sir? Go home im­mediately.
Jack. Yes, I'm going. Good-night. (Decrease.)
Vent. Don't say good-night to me.
Jack. It's all right. Good-night. (Decrease.)
Vent. I suppose we might as well part on good terms. Good-night.
Jack. Good-night, (fiepeat several times until voice dies away.)

Dialogue No. VI
(Between the Ventriloquist and the Invisible Ghost)

Ghost. Ho! Who goes there?
Vent. (surprised). Who's that? (To the audience.)
Ghost. Who goes there?
Vent. 'Tis I, do you know me?
Ghost. As a friend, nay.
Vent. Why, what does this mean? (To the audience.)
Ghost. I have come to make known thy fate.
Vent. What have I done? Will you kindly leave the room?
Ghost. Often have I gazed upon thy face at midnight.
Vent. (startled). Is it so?
Ghost. Thy doom is sealed.
Vent. Sir!
Ghost. I have come to make known thy fate.
Vent. You said that before. Where are you, sir? (Looking around )
Ghost. I live in the air.
Vent. Yes, so it seems. Have you any objec­tion to taking a seat on the roof?
Ghost. I never sit.
Vent. Well, please move to the roof.
Ghost. I will.
Vent. Oh! what a relief. Are you on the roof now?
Ghost. Yes, I'm on the roof. (Suppressed.)
Vent. Thank you, don't be in any hurry to return.
Ghost. Oh, yes I will. {Say this forward in the mouth as if the Ghost were 7iear you.)
Vent. (startled). He has returned to torment me. Please move to the cellar.
Ghost. I go.
Vent. Are you there?
Ghost. Yes, I'm in the cellar. (Suppressed.)
Vent. Well, please stay there.
Ghost. I don't stay anywhere. (Forward in the mouth as if near.)
Vent. No, so it appears. You won't remain on the roof or in the cellar.
Ghost. You must die!
Vent. Certainly, some day. Please move into the wall.
Ghost. I will revisit thee at midnight. (Di­minish.)
Vent. Then it's all up with me.
Ghost. Till then, farewell.    (Diminish.)
I have never used the above dialogue, but have it on the authority of Charles Guillet that when spoken properly in a theatre or large hall, it will produce an excellent effect, as I should think it might.

Dialogue No. VII
(The Suffocated Victim)

Use a large box or closet for this illusion, as may be most convenient. The student should rap or kick the box apparently by accident, at the same time uttering, ventriloquially, a hoarse andsubdued groan.
Vent. (pointing to the box with an air of astonishment). What is that?
Voice. I won't do so any more. I am nearly dead.
Vent. Who are you? How came you there?
Voice. I only wanted to see what was going on. Let me out, do.
Vent. But I don't know who you are.
Voice. Oh, yes, you do.
Vent. Who are you?
Voice. Your old school fellow, Tom -----. You know me.
Vent. Why, he's in Canada.
Voice. (sharply). No, he ain't, he's here; but be quick.
Vent. Perhaps he's come by the underground railroad. (Opens box.) Hello!
Voice. (less muffled). Now then, give us a hand.
Vent. (closing lid sharply). No, I won't.
Voice. Have pity, or I shall be choked.
Vent. I don't believe you are what you say.
Voice. Why don't you let me out and see be­fore I am dead?
Vent. (opening and shutting the lid and vary­ing the voice accordingly when the voice next an­swers). Dead! not you.
Voice. I soon will be.
Vent. When did you leave Canada?
Voice. Last week. Oh! I am choking.
Vent. Shall I let him out? (Raises the cover.) Why, there's no one here.

Dialogue No. VIII
(The Man on the Roof)

Vent. Are you up there, Jem?
Voice. Hallo! who's that?
Vent. It is I. Are you nearly finished?
Voice. Only three more slates to put on, master.
Vent. I want you here, Jem.
Voice. All right, I am coming directly.
Vent. Which way, Jem?
Voice. Over the roof and down the trap. (A little louder.)
Vent. Which way?
Voice.  (nearer). Through the trap and down the stairs.
Vent. How long will you be?
Voice. Only a few minutes. I am coming as fast as I can.
The voice now approaches the door, and is pro­duced as in the suffocated victim.

Dialogue No. IX
(The Invisible Sweep)

This is a striking example of the distant voice. Let the student pretend to look up the chimney, and rehearse the following or some similar colloquy:
Vent. Are you up there?
Voice. Yes, chimley want sweep?
Vent. Really, it is extraordinary. What are you doing?
Voice. Looking for birds' nests.
Vent. Birds' nests! There are none there.
Voice. Dick says there be.
Vent. Come down!
Voice. I shan't.
Vent. (stirring the fire in fireplace). I'll make you show yourself.
Voice. I say, don't, it's so hot.
Vent. Come down, then.
Voice. Don't be so stupid. Let I alone.
Vent. Will you come down?
Voice. Yes, I will.
Vent. What's your name?
Voice. (much nearer). Sam Lillyvite. I say, what do you want me for among company?
Vent. To show yourself.
Voice. (nearer). What for?
Vent. To let these ladies and gentlemen see that there are many strange things between heaven and earth, but not Sam Lillyvite, the sweep.

Dialogue No. X
(The Man in the Cellar)

Vent. Thomas, are you coming?
Voice. (below, gruffly). I should think I was.
Vent. We are waiting for the beer.
Voice. (partly aside). The longer you wait, the greater our honor. Mary, have another drink.
Vent. Why, the scamp is drinking the beer. Thomas! Who's there with you?
Voice. Myself. (Aside.) Make haste with the pot, Mary; he's in such a hurry.
Vent. You drinking rascal, how dare you 1
Voice. Coming, sir, the barrel's nearly empty.
Vent. I should think so, tippling as you are at it.
Voice. Don't get saucy.
Vent. The fellow is getting intoxicated. Thomas!
Voice. Wait till I come. I have waited for you many times.
Vent. I suppose it is of no use hurrying you?
Voice. No, it isn't. I'm coming! coming! coming!!!

Dialogue No. XI
(The Milkman at the Door)

Voice. Milk below!
Vent. Is it not provoking that a milkman al­ways comes when he is not wanted, and is absent when we are waiting for the cream. (Voice sings a bar of "Shoo Fly") Oh, yes, always the broken-hearted milkman, as if he were not as happy as a king.
Voice. (nearer). Milk below! Why, Sally, Where's the can?
Vent. Sally will be long in answering, I think
Voice. Sally's gadding with the police. Milk below.
Vent. (slightly opening the door). We don'twant any milk, my good man.
Voice. No skim milk for the cat, or cream fortea?
Another voice. Watercresses!
Vent. Really this is too bad. Go away.
Voice. You owe me ten cents for last week's milk; I was to wait, and I've been waiting ever since.
Vent. This is intolerable. I'll send for the police.
Voice. (ironically). Send for Sally and p'lice, I'll foller.
Vent. Impudent rascal!
Voice. Keep your compliments at home, Mas­ter Idlebones.
Vent. (opening door). I'll report you to your master.
Voice. (louder, as door is open). Will you, young whipper-snapper, pay us the dime, and let us go? (Performer offers to pay, while the voice gets weaker in the distance with "Milk below!" until it becomes inaudible.)

Dialogue No. XII
(Amalgamation of "Above" and "Below")

Vent. Jack! (Pause.) Jack!
Jack. (above). Hullo! (Prolonged as if shouting.)
Vent. Are you up there?
Jack. Yes, I'm here.
Vent. Can you come down?
Jack. All right, I got a ladder.
Vent., (impatiently). Come along.
Jack. All right, but 1 ain't goin' to break my neck. I'm getting lower down.
Vent. (looking up or away from the audience). What is the matter?
Jack. There's a spoke out—or I wouldn't a-spoke out.
Vent. (turning to audience disgustedly). Bu­colic wit. (Looking up.) Come along.
Jack. All right, I'm coining (kuning) I'm coming—one more and I'm 'ere.
Vent. Where is here? (At door)
Jack. No where ain't here. Where is where and here is here, and 'ere's where you can hear me.
Vent. You are witty.
Jack. Yes, it's raining and I am coming in to dry myself.
Vent. No, you must not come in.
Jack. Oi says I must.
Vent. No!
Jack. But I says yes. (Vent, partly opens door and as he does so fixes his vocal organs for near grunt voice.)
Vent. I say no, you can't come in.
Jack. Well, my say's good as your say.
Vent. (closing door). And I say no.
Jack. (distant as commencing "Level" to "Be­low"). What do you want to shut the door in my face for?
Vent. You go down below. You will find something there.
Jack. Down the steps, guv'nor?
Vent. Yes.
Jack. It's rather dark, but I think I can man­age. One, two (lowering voice)) three (lowe?').
Vent. Are you down?
Jack. What's that?
Vent. I said, are you down?
Jack. What do you say?
Vent. Don't say, what do you say ?
Jack. All right, guv'nor, I won't say what do you say if you don't want me to say what do you say when I says what do you say {change to below voice. If you can imitate a dog's bark in the distance,  introduce it here and have Jack say; "Hullo, guv'nor, there's a dog down here").
Vent. Yes, I told you you would find some­thing.

Dialogue No. XIII
(For Little Girl, Either Imaginary Behind Screen or Figure)

Vent. Why, hullo, little girl, how long have you been here?
Little Girl. Why, Mr.-----, I've been here all the evening.
Vent. Is it possible? I hadn't noticed you be­fore. What is your name?
Little Girl. My name is Mary.
Vent. Well, Mary, can you do anything to amuse the company?
Little Girl. What's that?
Vent. Will you sing or recite?
Little Girl. I'll sing.
Vent. That's right, you'll sing.
Little Girl. Or recite.
Vent. Yes, or recite.
Little Girl. No, I'll sing.
Vent. All right, Mary, sing.
Little Girl. I said I'd recite.
Vent. Really, Mary, I don't know what you did say.
Little Girl. That's why I tell you, "Three lit­tle mouses -----"
Vent. Mice!
Little Girl. Mouses.
Vent. Mice, not mouses.
Little Girl. Mice.
Vent. Ah!
Little Girl. What did you say "Ah" for? There ain't no ahs. I must commence all over again. "Three little mouse -----"
Vent. Mice.
Little Girl. Is this your recitation or mine? If you say anything more I shan't do it.   "Three little mice sat down to spin -----" don't waggle your fingers (or any other remark).
Vent. I beg your pardon. (Stopping move­ment)
Little Girl.
"Three little mice sat down to spin,
Pussy passed by and she -----"
Vent. Peeped in, yes.
Little Girl. It isn't "Peeped in, yes." Am I reciting this or are you reciting it?
Vent. You are, of course.
Little Girl. Well, then, don't interrupt.
"Pussy passed by and she peeped in.
What are you doing -----"
Vent. I wasn't doing anything.
Little Girl. No, you ain't pussy; that is in the piece.
"What are you doing my little men? Making
coats for gentlemen. Shall I come in and bite
off your threads? Oh, no, Miss Puss, you'd
bite off our heads,"
and that is all of it, and am I to have a quarter or a cheese-cake?
If the above were recited without interruptions it would create no amusement, but as it is it will entertain an audience better than clever wit be­cause, to a certain extent, it caricatures the natural behavior of a precocious child, and the remarks of the ventriloquist are received as humorous surprises.

Dialogue No. XIV
(Amalgamation of "Near" and "Distant" and In­troducing Irish, Negro, Old Man and Old Woman Figures)

Vent. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to in­troduce two little Boston boys, Jerry and Tommy.
Tommy. Hello! Did you say I was a boy?
Vent. Yes, Tommy.
Jerry. No, you didn't.
Vent. Why, I'm sure I did.
Jerry. No, you didn't, you said we was two boys.
Vent. Well, Tommy, how are you this even­ing?
Tommy. I'm fust rate, boss.
Vent. And you, Jerry?
Jerry. I'm not feeling very well, professor.
Vent. Not feeling very well; what's the matter?
Jerry. I was at a party last night and I drank too much champagne.
Vent. You'll never get ahead in the world that way.
Jerry. No, but you'd ought to see the head I had on me this morning. Such a headache. Say -----
Vent. Well?
Jerry. Do you know, I think you're an awfully nice man?
Vent. (laughing). Oh, you do? Well, I'm sorry I can't return the compliment.
Jerry. You could if you wanted to lie like I did.
Vent. That will do. By the way, I saw your house all lighted up the other night. Were you having a party?
Jerry. No, we had a wooden wedding.
Vent. A wooden wedding!
Jerry. Yes, my sister married a blockhead.
Tommy. Say, boss, did you hear about the accident my brother had the other day?
Vent. No, what was it?
Tommy. Well, a horse ran away with him and he's laid up for ten days.
Vent. That's too bad.
Jerry. Say, professor, my brother had an accident, too.
Vent. Did he, indeed? What happened him?
Jerry. A horse didn't run away with him.
Vent. No?
Jerry. No, he ran away with the horse and they've laid him up for sixty days. Say, did you know I am working?
Vent. No, what are you doing?
Jerry. I'm holding down a skylight of a pho­tograph saloon to keep the sun out.
Vent. What do you get for that?
Jerry. I gets two dollars on good days.
Vent. But what do you get on the wet ones?
Tommy. (suddenly). He gets a soaking, boss.
Vent. Well, Jerry, can you spell?
Jerry. You jest bet I kin spell.
Vent. All right, spell the word "Needle."
Jerry. N-e-i-d-1-e, needle.
Vent. Oh, no, there's no "i" in needle.
Jerry. Well, then it ain't a good needle.
Vent. Try the word "Milk."
Jerry. What do you mean?
Vent. Don't you know what milk is? What is it we get from a cow?
Jerry. You'll get a kick if you ain't careful.
Vent. Spell the word "Sugar."
Jerry. "S-e-g-a-r."
Vent. That isn't the way I learned to spell it when I went to school.
Jerry. I guess you didn't go to the same school we do.
Vent. Well, spell "Ratification."
Jerry. Say, do you know how to spell that word
Vent. To be sure I do.
Jerry. Then what did you ask me for?
Vent. Why, to see if you know.
Jerry. Well, I don't know.
Vent. I thought as much, but spell it this way. R-a-t, rat,
Jerry. R-a-t, rat,
Vent. I, rat-i,
Jerry. U, rat-you.
Vent. I will give you one more chance. Spell "Constantinople."
Jerry. Oh, Gee-whillaker, what a word!
Vent. I'll help you out onthat also. C-o-n, con -----
Jerry.  C-o-n, con -----
Vent. S-t-a-n, Constan -----
Jerry. S-t-a-n, Constan -----
Vent. Ti, ti, Constanti -----
Jerry. Ti, ti, Necktie -----
Vent. I see you are incorrigible this evening.
Jerry. No I ain't, I'm in this room.
Vent. Well, finish the word. N-o, no, Con­stantino -----
Jerry. N-o, no, I don't know.
Vent. P-l-e, pie, Constantinople -----
Jerry. P-l-e, pie, Can't stand on an apple (akle).
Vent. (to negro boy). Tommy, if you had six dollars -----
Tommy. But I ain't got a cent, boss.
Vent. Supposing you did have, and I should ask you for three, how many would you have left?
Tommy. Six dollars, boss.
Vent. You don't catch my meaning.
Tommy. No, nor you don't catch my six dol­lars either.
Vent. Jerry, can you count?
Jerry. Yessir. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King, Ace.
Vent. I'm afraid you've been playing poker.
Jerry. No, whist.
Vent. Do you know anything about fractions?
Jerry. Oh, I know something 'bout 'em.
Vent. If you had a piece of meat and should divide it eight times, what would you have?
Jerry. Eights.
Vent. Right. If you should divide those eights -----
Jerry. You'd have sixteenths.
Vent. If divided once more?
Jerry. Thirty-seconds.
Vent. Still again?
Jerry. Sixty-fourths.
Vent. Very good. You have now got the meat down to pretty small pieces. If you should divide each of those again what would you have?
Jerry. Hash!
Vent. Well, Jerry, what is the shape of the earth?
Jerry. I don't know.
Vent. Oh, yes, you do. What is the shape of my cuff buttons?
Jerry. Square.
Vent. I mean those I wear on Sunday.
Jerry. Round.
Vent. That's right. Now what is the shape of the earth?
Jerry. Square on week days and round on Sundays.
Vent. Tommy, where is Java?
Tommy. I dunno.
Vent. Don't you know where coffee comes from?
Tommy. We gets ours in the next house.
Vent. Jerry, where is Africa?
Jerry (looking at Tommy). On your other knee.
Tommy. Say, boss, what is the coldest coun­try in the world?
Vent. I'm sure I don't know, which is the coldest?
Tommy. Why, Chili, of course.
Vent. How is the earth divided, Jerry?
Jerry. Between the Standard Oil Company and the Sugar Trust.
Vent. What is a lake?
Jerry. Sure, a lake is a hole in a tin pail (kail).
Tommy. Say, boss, what is the equator?
Vent. The equator, my boy, is an imaginary line around the earth.
Tommy. What put it there?
Jerry. (suddenly). Russia! Now will you fight?
Vent. What is the river Rhine noted for?
Jerry. Rhinoceroses, av coorse.
Vent. Very smart. By the way, did the teacher give you a bad mark for staying away from school yesterday?
Jerry. No, but the old man did when I got home.
Vent. Well, Tommy, can you sing?
Tommy. You jest bet I kin sing, jest like a bird.
Jerry. Yes, a blackbird.
Vent. Keep quiet, Jerry. Now, then, Tommy, will you sing something?
Tommy. Yes, boss.
Jerry. I say, is Tommy goin' to sing?
Vent. Yes, and I want you to keep quiet.
Jerry. All right, I won't say a word.
Vent. Be sure you don't. (Looks expectantly toward Tommy.)
Jerry. (mournfully). Not another word.
Vent. Keep quiet.
Jerry. Of course I'll keep quiet.
Vent. Be sure you do.
Jerry. Say, do you want to do all the talk­ing?
Vent. Well, what if I do?
Jerry. When you quit we all quit.
Vent. Never mind.
Jerry. We're nothing but dummies anyway.
Vent., (out of patience). Look here, Jerry, I've got a bottle of chloroform in my pocket, if you don't keep still I'll have to use it.
Jerry. On Tommy?
Vent. No, on yourself. Go ahead, Tommy.
Tommy. (singing).
A new coon in town, a new coon in town,
   A new coon he came the other day; A new
coon in town, a new coon in town,
   He's a regular lardy-dar the people say —
Jerry. For heaven's sake chloroform me, chloroform me.
Vent. I'll not chloroform you, but I'll put you in this box instead.
Jerry. Let me down easy, professor.
(Performer puts negro figure in chair, picks up Jerry and takes him to box at back of stage ,put­ting him in and shutting down the cover. Jerry is heard hi a faint muffled voice calling out, "Let vie oat, let me out, I’m suffocating, I’m suffo­cating." As performer raises cover the voice comes out full and strong, "Now what did you do that for?" Performer takes him out, re­turns to chair and accidentally sits down on Tommy, who cries sharply that the professor is hurting him.)
Vent. 1 had forgotten that you were there, Tommy.
Tommy. Well, I hadn't.
Vent. Tommy, can you speak a piece?
Tommy. Don't know, boss.
Vent. Well, try it anyway.
Tommy. What will you give me if I does?
Vent. Well, I will give you a quarter.
Jerry. Yes, with a string tied to it.
Vent. No, there'll be no string tied to it.
Tommy. Do I gits the quarter now?
Vent. Not till after the show.
Tommy. Then I won't recite.
Jerry. He knows you.
Vent. I'll really give you the quarter after the show, Tommy.
Tommy. Well, all right. "How doth the little busy bee improve each shining hour; he gathers honey all the day -----"
Jerry. (interrupting). And eats it up at night.
Tommy. Say, does Jerry get the quarter or does I?
Vent. You'll get it, but I'll give Jerry another if he'll also recite.
Jerry. It's a go, perfessor. "Jack and Jill went up the hill to get a pail of water; Jack fell down and broke a two-dollar bill and Jill got a dollar'n a quarter." Say -----
Vent. Well?
Jerry. What does the word "Ditto" mean?
Vent. The word "ditto" means "the same." That is when I say "John is a good boy and Willie is ditto," I mean that Willie is also a good boy.
Jerry. Oh, yes, I see.
Vent. Now then, Jerry, how many parts arethere to grammar?
Jerry. Four.
Vent. How do you make that out?
Jerry. Inside, outside, the cover and the leaves.
Vent. In the sentence "Tom is a great man,*' what does Tom correspond with?
Jerry. If you mean Tom Green, he corre­sponds with my sister Mary Ann.
Vent. That's the way you evade the question, is it? Jerry, I think you are a fool.
Jerry. Ditto. Say, did you know I was to a party the other night?
Vent. No, were you?
Jerry. Yes, and there was a ventrisqualor there.
Vent. No, no, you mean a ventriloquist, a man who throws his voice.
Jerry. That's it. This feller threw his voice so far it didn't get back agin.
Vent. Is it possible?
Jerry. I dunno, but he did it all the same. But I say, what is the difference between a ven­triloquist and a donkey?
Vent. I'm sure I don't know, what is the dif­ference?
Jerry. There ain't any.
Vent. What do you mean?
Jerry. Only that I'd rather be a fool than a donkey any day.
{Performer acts as if angry and brings hand round over Jerry's mouth. Jerry screams indis­tinctly and utters an angry exclamation as the hand is removed.)
Tommy. I say, boss, you do something.
Vent. I do something?
Jerry. Yes, you make us do all the work and don't give us a cent.
Vent. But I can't do anything.
Jerry. Well, we're not goin' to do another thing.
Vent., (in alarm). Oh, but you must; we're not through yet.
Jerry. I don't care.
(Performer whispers to Jerry and Jerry ap­pears to whisper back, then slowly shakes his head. Vent, seems in despair and entreats Jerry again. Shows Jerry a dollar, but the figure shakes its head and says aloud, "No, I ain’t goin’ to do any more and that settles it." )
Vent. Well, then, I shall put you over here for punishment. (Turns chair so that Jerry sits with back to the audience all through the remain' ing portion of the dialogue, and going to, the foot­lights begins to apologize to the audience when Jerry calls out.) "Say, professor, there's a man down below, perhaps he'll help you out."
Vent., (relieved). In that case I'll call him up. (Stamps foot and calls.) I say, is there any onethere?
Jerry. (from chair). You'll have to call him louder than that or he'll not hear you.
Vent. Why, is he deaf?
Jerry. No, he's hard o' hearing.
Vent. Oh, I'll make him hear me.
Jerry. Well, you'll have to call him loud.
Vent. Be quiet. (Calling.) I say down there.
Jerry. (quietly). He won't hear that.
Vent. Now you keep silent.
Jerry. I was only telling you -----
Vent. If you tell me again I'll -----
Jerry. I won't tell you any more.
Vent. Mind you don't.
Jerry. Well, he didn't hear that.
Vent. I will call him until he does hear.
Jerry. All right, go on
Vent, (looking downward as if about to call). I say -----
Jerry. I knew very well he wouldn't hear that.
Vent. Now you have had the last word, per­haps you will be quiet. (Looks down.) I say are you there?
Voice. (faintly). Yes, I'm here.
Vent. What are you doing?
Voice. I'm putting (futting) a clean collar on.
Vent. You've selected a peculiar place to put on a clean collar.
Voice. Oh, no, it's all right.
Vent. I am going to ask you a few questions. Will you answer them?
Voice. Will I what?
Vent. Will you answer my questions?
Voice. I don't know, but I'll try.
Vent. What is your name?
Voice. What do you say?
Vent. There now, why didn't you answer my question?
Voice. What did you say?
Vent. I said, what is your name?
Voice. Oh, I didn't know you said that.
Vent. Well?
Voice. Well?
Vent. You haven't told me yet.
Voice. Told you what?
Vent. I want to know your name.
Voice. Do you mean my Christian name?
Vent. Oh, I don't care.
Voice. No more do I.
Vent. Well, never mind, I'll call you Bill Will that do?
Voice. That will do.
Vent. Now, Bill.
Voice. Well?
Vent. Can you do anything to amuse the au­dience?
Voice. What do you say?
Vent. Don't say that.
Voice. What shall I say?
Vent. Repeat my words so that I shall knowyou have heard the question.
Voice. I say what you say?
Vent. Yes
Voice. All right, go on.
Vent. Can you do anything?
Voice. Can I do anything -----
Vent. Yes, to amuse -----
Voice. To amuse -----
Vent. Yes, the audience.
Voice. The what?
Vent. The audience.
Voice. What is that?
Vent. Now, Bill, I think you are prevaricating.
Voice. No, I'm not, I'm sitting down.
Vent. Well as the lawyers say, I will put the question in another form. Can you do anything that is amusing?
Voice. Why of course I can.
Vent. Well, what can you do?
Voice. I can eat and drink and swear.
Vent. Oh, we wouldn't be amused at that.
Voice. I would.
Vent. I dare say you would. But I think you had better go now.
Voice. You want me to go?
Vent. Yes, but I want to know you are safe, so you must shout good-night all the way.
Voice (shouting). Good-night all the way.
Vent. No, I don't mean that.
Voice. You said that.
Vent. Yes, but I mean I want you to shout "good-night" and keep shouting until you are a long way off.
Voice. Oh, I know.
Vent. Well, good-night. (Repeats two or three times, the voice being fainter each time until it dies away in a distant "ha, ha!" Performer bows and turns to Old Woman figure.)
Jerry. What are you going to do now?
Vent. I am going to talk with the old lady here.
Jerry. Is that an old lady?
Vent. To be sure it is.
Jerry. I thought it was an old scarecrow.
Vent. Well, it isn't. Old lady, what might your name be?
Old Lady. It might be most anything, but it ain't.
Vent. Will you please tell us what it is?
Old Lady. Mary Ann O'Hoolighan, yer honor.
Jerry. Mary Ann, ten days.
Vent. That will do, Jerry. Well, Mary Ann, are you married or single?
Old Lady. Do you take me for an old maid, sir?
Jerry. She's no spring chicken.
Old Lady. I will have you understand I am a respectable widder.
Vent. When did your husband die?
Old Lady. About three years ago, sir.
Vent. What was the complaint?
Old Lady. No complaint at all, sir, every one was satisfied. (Performer turns to Old Man and is about to ash him a question when Jerry says, "He needs a hair cut, don't he f ")
Vent., (impatiently). Keep quiet. (To Old Man.) What is your name?
Jerry. Yer honor, I object.
Vent., (laughing). Your objection is overruled. (To Old Man.) What did you say your name is?
Jerry. (quietly). He didn't say.
Old Man. My name is John Brown.
Jerry. Got a match about ye, Johnny?
Vent. Well, Mr. Brown, are you married or single?
Jerry. Here, here.
Vent. I object seriously to these interruptions.
Jerry. Objections sustained.
Old Man. Yes, sir, I've been married this many a year.
Vent. And have you any children?
Old Man. I have one daughter, seventeen.
Jerry. Her address, please.
Vent. Is she pretty?
Old Man. They say she takes after me, sir.
Jerry. Never mind her address.
Vent. Well, Mr. Brown, can you sing?
Old Man. I could once, sir, but my voice is a little cracked now.
Jerry. Yes, and he's cracked himself. (Per­former appears to be out of patience with Jerry, takes him from the chair and puts him in the box.)
Vent. Now, then, Jerry, if you don't keep quiet I shall put down the cover.
Jerry. Is the Old Man goin' to sing?
Vent. Yes, I think so.
Jerry. Put down the cover.
Vent., (closes box). Now, Mr. Brown, perhaps you will consent to sing a verse or two of some old-fashioned song.
Old Man. All right, I will sing you "The Old Turnkey" (or any other song which the Vent, may care to use. Sing*. Vent, bows and leaves the stage)